December 18, 2002MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to service the southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, I now serve
only the northern United States..
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement, who happens to be my brother-in-law,.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
a few differences between us -- differences such as the following:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads "Gun Control Is a Steady Hand."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace,
and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen"
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" and you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I heard dat!"
6. Bubba's sleigh also has a bumper sticker that reads "My Other
Car Is a John Deere."
7. The interior of Bubba's sleigh is the envy of the South. It boasts
the latest in 8-track technology, a top-of-the-line fuzzbuster, an
oversized chrome foot-shaped gas pedal, a fully carpeted dash,
and Yosemite Sam floormats.
8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard-issue Santa cap
because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been
granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band and
black cowboy boots instead.